Thursday 7 January 2010

Stellar Men

This post is directed at Searching Single women, for I don't know if the thesis can be adapted for Searching Single men. The thesis is that the more stellar the men you hang around with, the more likely you are to end up with a stellar man.

My evidence for this is, as usual, based in my own long and chequered experience. My social fortunes improved quite a bit when I dated a very nice, courageous, ambitious, disabled guy who was very fond of me. However, there were two crucial problems, the first being that Mr. Almost Right was a Protestant and, it turned out, a unitarian, and the second being that Mr. Almost Right was (understandably) primarily looking for someone to lean on if his disability worsened. Neither of these factors would have been problems had I been deeply in love with Mr. Almost Right, but I wasn't, so that was the end of that relationship, although today I am grateful to have dated a great guy like him.

Next I went to theology school, where I met dozens of stellar men. Dozens! Sadly, they were mostly in religious life and working towards the priesthood. And if they weren't priests or religious, they were married or much too old for me or definitely not interested. However, this did not diminish their starlight, and I broke up with Mr. Almost Right because I knew I wanted a man who was as devout a Catholic as my stellar untouchable classmates.

Then there was a blip, when I fell into the clutches of a very scary man for a couple of months. I'd love to rush by that bit, but since it flies in the face of my thesis, it might be dishonest to do so. So I will caution that hanging out only with men in religious life, going to a school founded by and for them, mooching around alone all summer when they jet off to exotic locales to do refugee work or learn modern languages, can make a girl feel incredibly lonely and second-rate. Fortunately, I was rescued from very scary man by my spiritual director, who is himself incredibly stellar.

After two years or so, I embarked on a new romance, about which you can read in my book. And I have to say that I do think that it was this romance that made the way straight to falling in love with the most stellar guy of all. Why? Because finally I was dating the right kind of man for me: Catholic, kind, intellectual, strongly moral and interested in many pursuits. And I decided that I would never again date anyone who did not reach his level of stellar.

I have a friend who says she is attracted to any man who is not crazy and doesn't use drugs. This is because she has spent too much time with men who were crazy and used drugs. I call this the Dating of Low Expectations. Whereas in general, I don't think women should have a detailed list of what The Perfect Man should be like (e.g. "over six feet tall, a university professor, vegetarian, loves cats"), I think "not crazy" and "doesn't use drugs" such givens, they simply go without saying. Instead of dating according to a Lowest Common Denominator ("no drugs"), women should date according to certain ideals ("makes them laugh uproarously").

If I were to choose two characteristics for a man for my friend, beyond his being a thoroughly decent, mature human being (no craziness, crime or drugs; has a job) her own age (not looking for a nurse), I would choose Must Make Her Laugh Uproarously and Must Seriously Love Art.

Of course, I am not infallible. My own ideals had long been Must Be Catholic and Must Be Brilliant.

"What about Must Be Kind?" sniped one of my best pals. "I think Kind is much more important than Brilliant."

"Oh, well," I said, waving away Kind, "Kind goes without saying."

But, do you know, Benedict Ambrose is one of the kindest, most amiable men I know. And although he is (like me) in the Ph.D. dropout class of braininess as opposed to the heights of rocket science, extraordinary kindness now seems much more important than jaw-dropping brilliance. Watson and Crick were (such jerks) anyway.

Update: I read (this) and when I got to May, I have a theory as to what this woman's problem is. Do you?

8 comments:

theobromophile said...

Update: I read (this) and when I got to May, I have a theory as to what this woman's problem is. Do you?
Baffled. I mean, I read the first few sentences, did some math (one kid from one relationship, another kid from another, no marriages on either), and figured that there had to be some issues there to start with. May, specifically?

As for your post: Seraphic, I wish I had read that ten years ago. It would have saved me a lot of grief.

The best thing about that advice, though, is it's easy to find great men. Family! Friends! Clergy! Co-workers! Finding them that are Single and interested in you and... - well, that's the tough part.

Seraphic said...

Be of good cheer! If you are surrounded by stellar men-- friends, family, clergy, co-workers--you are collecting Good Man vibes that can help scare away Scary Men and train you to find only Good Men sexy.

And if you contemplate the stellar men in your life, you start to relax about adding new men. New men are dodgy. They are unknown quantities. Approach with maximum care. WHAT'S underneath the candy-coating? And even nephews and sons are unknown quantities. (Sometimes I imagine what a son with X or Y might have turned out like. Eeek!) It was only when it came forcibly home to me that my dad and brothers were much more fabulous than a certain other man I knew, that I was reborn as Seraphic Single and began blogging for Singles.

What you do (I suggest, more unsolicited advice, my specialty) is thank God for the great men in your life and never mind about the "interested in you" part for now. Feel the sheer gratitude of those good men you know. Some women are on the run from their honour-killer wannabe fathers, uncles, brothers, cousins and clergy. Not you. Your men are GREAT! As are mine! Yay! Our men ROCK.

Alisha said...

"What you do is thank God for the great men in your life and never mind about the "interested in you" part for now. Feel the sheer gratitude of those good men you know. Some women are on the run from their honour-killer wannabe fathers, uncles, brothers, cousins and clergy. Not you. Your men are GREAT! As are mine! Yay! Our men ROCK."

Amen to that!
As for what her problem is, I'm not sure if I'm seeing the same thing you do but her focus is too much on dating and "why does no one like me?" She should just go out and live life, do things, help people, make friends, and meet people that way - stop making it into a "production".

Alisha said...

Oh, and I would add that hanging out with stellar men in mixed company is probably a very good idea - because you are likely to meet stellar women to make friends with, and they will attract more stellar men. And hanging out with stellar people from a variety of walks of life is not only more interesting but it sure increases your chances of meeting someone if you are a searching single.

KimP said...

As usual, a dead-on post. When I was with my family at Christmas, I suddenly decided, "I'm not going to date anyone who isn't at least as interesting or as funny as my father and brother." If I'm having less fun on a date than I would having dinner with my own family, then I can safely say I don't need to go out with that guy again!

Alex said...

I'm curious to know why you don't think that the thesis of this post can be applied to men, because I definitely think it can, although I'm not exactly sure how to put it into words right now.

Seraphic said...

Well, it's not that I don't think so, it's just that I just don't know. I'm not a man, and I haven't asked any about this yet.

My own husband broke up with a very troubled person with serious issues and a fractured family life some months before we met, so I am like an angel who cooks like Julia Child and looks like Rita Hayworth in comparison! However, he had other great people in his life, although to tell the truth, those were mostly his male buddies.

I think everyone must profit from choosing as special companions (e.g. BEST friends)those people who are of proved healthiness and good character. We are called to welcome the stranger and to feed the hungry, etc., but we must also be aware that we can be influenced for the worse by those we take as bosom buddies.

If you find the right words, please do write them here, for women like me always long to know what men think of these matters!

theobromophile said...


What you do (I suggest, more unsolicited advice, my specialty) is thank God for the great men in your life and never mind about the "interested in you" part for now. Feel the sheer gratitude of those good men you know. Some women are on the run from their honour-killer wannabe fathers, uncles, brothers, cousins and clergy. Not you. Your men are GREAT! As are mine! Yay! Our men ROCK.


Very true!

I won't fill up your commbox with comments about how great the men in my life are - my dad, my stepdad, my super-awesome brother who is in elementary school, my male friends with appellations like "X the Sage", etc.

About a year and a half ago, I wondered how it was that I have a really wonderful family and great friends, but date awful men. Then it hit me that I was using one set of standards for my family and friends, and, bullied by everyone to date "nice men" and "give him a chance," used another set of standards for the men I dated.

Just wish that the 18-year-old version of me would have thought that way.